Saturday, August 17, 2013

Want What You Don't Got

It dawned on me today. I am that person. I'm the one who is happy for you when you buy a house, loose weight, meet someone... But I want it too.
I do mean it when I tell you I think it's fantastic. Genuinely. But inside I'm aching a bit. Don't get me wrong this is not a pity party, nor do we need to plan an intervention. But there are some things I really want.  When I tell you I don't it's me in some cases - settling.
I would like to loose weight - and I take full responsibility for that one. It's just easier to to give in & eat what I shouldn't. Exercise?! again on me.
House. My apartment is great. I have nice neighbors and a good neighborhood. A house doesn't make a home cliche or not it really is what's inside.
The ache is what I'm seeing around me. It's been almost 4 years. While I have someone in my life it's not everything I want. When he's healthy it's good but I would be lying if I didn't say it's not all it could be. I don't get compliments, his sarcasm can sometimes be a little overpowering & he thinks I'm very emotional.  I am but compared to know emotion anyone seems over the top.
I do want a little romance but I want my space. That's where it gets tricky. Cause I'm all about "The Notebook" but not 24/7. I need downtime too.
I also feel like when given a second chance you should fight for it, but at the same time you shouldn't feel like you are the only one fighting.
Life is complicated but I guess in the scheme of things from where I've been I will take this kind of worry. For once in my life the big worries are under control & for that I'm thankful & lucky. My hope is more people out there have silly worries not serious ones...

Thursday, August 1, 2013


Ever have so much to say it overwhelms you? I have all these things to say, stories to tell but I can't seem to clear my head long enough to get them out. Let alone put them out in a way that makes sense.
For starters is it bad I want to win the lottery and not have to work again? There are days I want nothing more than to wallow. Being an adult is tough. Being responsible is hard. Caring is hard. It was so much easier when I didn't care. Maybe I always did but covered it up with sloppy behavior.
And that my friend's is a story for another day...

Saturday, June 15, 2013

At some point

At some point you have to let go and move on. It's hard not to let your past define you, yet as its been pointed out to me a lot lately. I hold on tightly to my past. It has very much defined me.
I'm a little broken and it breaks my heart a little. I used to be fearless, I had a very much I don't fucking care. I don't now. I analyze everything. I worry about everything.
Granted being a Mom brings an element to that mind think as well but the way my ex husband made me feel, did me no favors.
Even though frankly as a person in my 40's I bring it, I struggle with believing that. It makes me sad, I know it upsets people around me.
How at 41 can I have the emotional mindset of a teenager.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Shaking Fist in Air

Things I know about myself.  I'm incredibly emotional. I wear my heart in my sleeve, I'm brutally honest & have no filter. I grumble, I grouse but if I love you I love you with my whole heart.
Yet here I am again standing alone. I used to think I asked for too much. Now I think I ask for not enough.
Somewhere along the way I thought I wasn't good enough. So I settled. I put people on pedestals who don't deserve it. I know I have flaws but at my core I deserve as much as the next person. I'm worn out from settling.
So not going to. I have for almost two decades I would like to go into my twighlight years holding hands with someone who loves me for me.
Oh well at least I got G & Skippy.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

How to Say This

I have been toying with how to talk about sex at 40. How much do I want to be honest about? How do I say things with saying too much? I have no idea.
So I guess I will start here.
Up until recently the only sex I was having was with myself. Now while there are many benefits to that, as we all know sex is always more fun with another person.  Ideally my life plan was to still be married, have two kids and have a wonderful romantic life with my husband.
My reality is I have been a single parent for almost 3 years and sex stopped with my husband long before our marriage ended.
Sex in your middle age is tricky. Not bad but tricky. While on one hand you are comfy with your inner self I feel like I have more worries than I did when I was in my in my 20's.
For starters- I have wrinkles, my body is now a mother's body and to be blunt now that I am a Mom - the inhibitions I didn't have in my 20's I definitely have. Now this could be because of my experience with my ex husband but a few have nothing to do with him.
Like - can my neighbors hear us? Can people see in my house? I'm not as flexible, I get tired quickly... Sad,true and funny.  Luckily my person is a few years older and we find ourselves laughing at things our twenty year old selves would have been mortified by.
On the flip side I have always appreciated the slow burn and I am happy to say my person does now too. Although it sometimes can make a girl feel like she partied too hard the next day when in reality I did not.
Intimacy is much more important to me now and again thankfully to my person as well. I feel like sex in my 40's is this beautiful week long vacation to one of my favorite places. In my 20's it was a road trip to the place where we could have the most fun for our dollar. My 30's were with my ex so while it produced my beautiful child it also created a lot of anxieties in me that my free spirited 20's again would have been mortified by.
So I guess where I'm going with all of this is - yup it's different but if you are crazy about the person you're with it's different in the most beautiful, fantastic way possible.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

So Where Were We?

I have been trying to figure out how to tackle this post. I made it pretty clear in my last post this is where this one was heading...
The big S at 40. You know Sex.
Depending on who you talk to sex in your 40's needs to be heavily assisted, is fantastic, is horrible, is... You know what, like anything everyone is different.
I also think it depends on your frame of reference as well. My frame of reference is that I didn't have sex until I was 21. With a man who I thought I was going to marry. For a first time it wasn't horrible, I know now it wasn't great but it wasn't bad. I don't regret it & I don't wish it were different. I just look as - it was.  My partners since then have run the gamut. Adventurous, traditional,shy, gentle, horrible, mind blowing.
My 30's I was married to my husband whose lack of experience, adventure, and sadly endurance made sex something I just kinda of put on the back burner. Which is sad. Sex to me with the right person can be almost magical. Cheese I know...but the fact I didn't have that with my husband. Almost heart breaking. Needless to say we stopped having sex when my daughter was one.
So when we separated and my "Matt Dillon" came back into my life and wanted to see me I freaked out.
Because sex with him in my 20's was MIND BLOWING.
So almost 20 years later?!
Can't imagine...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Let's Be Honest

So this blog was supposed to be out my experiences in my 40's. Things people don't talk about, maybe they do. But don't you sometimes feel like it can't all be true?
Especially when you consider some of the frame of references we have out there. Women in particular. I'm sorry but Jenny McCarthy should by no means be the poster child to young women as to what your 40's should be and or look like. Don't get me wrong she is rocking it out and good on her but the reality for some of us is not quite that pretty.
For starters my body looks like a body that has gained and lost weight numerous times and grew a human being in it.  I can't afford to get waxing, mani/pedi's, and my hair done regularly. I don't have a stylist.
This is  my reality, mind you don't think I'm having a pity party, because I too rock what I got. I' m just saying if you are looking for a Playboy playmate. Well, take your readers off.
My reality:
I do my nails when my daughter is asleep. Insta dri is my friend. I do splurge on coloring my hair but keep it short so I don't have to spend a lot.  My idea of waxing is a visit to my friendly neighborhood Cost Cutters for a $15 eyebrow wax.
I buy the bulk of my clothes at Target or Old Navy. I'm able to look somewhat put together because I pay attention. I see a style I like or look good in - I copy it just at my price range. I've become comfy with myself and I think it shows. Most of the time.
Where it's scary and this the Jenny McCarthy reference is sex and all that goes with it.
But that's a post for another day.