Want What You Don't Got

It dawned on me today. I am that person. I'm the one who is happy for you when you buy a house, loose weight, meet someone... But I want it too.
I do mean it when I tell you I think it's fantastic. Genuinely. But inside I'm aching a bit. Don't get me wrong this is not a pity party, nor do we need to plan an intervention. But there are some things I really want.  When I tell you I don't it's me in some cases - settling.
I would like to loose weight - and I take full responsibility for that one. It's just easier to to give in & eat what I shouldn't. Exercise?! Well....so again on me.
House. My apartment is great. I have nice neighbors and a good neighborhood. A house doesn't make a home cliche or not it really is what's inside.
The ache is what I'm seeing around me. It's been almost 4 years. While I have someone in my life it's not everything I want. When he's healthy it's good but I would be lying if I didn't say it's not all it could be. I don't get compliments, his sarcasm can sometimes be a little overpowering & he thinks I'm very emotional.  I am but compared to know emotion anyone seems over the top.
I do want a little romance but I want my space. That's where it gets tricky. Cause I'm all about "The Notebook" but not 24/7. I need downtime too.
I also feel like when given a second chance you should fight for it, but at the same time you shouldn't feel like you are the only one fighting.
Life is complicated but I guess in the scheme of things from where I've been I will take this kind of worry. For once in my life the big worries are under control & for that I'm thankful & lucky. My hope is more people out there have silly worries not serious ones...

Stuck

Ever have so much to say it overwhelms you? I have all these things to say, stories to tell but I can't seem to clear my head long enough to get them out. Let alone put them out in a way that makes sense.
For starters is it bad I want to win the lottery and not have to work again? There are days I want nothing more than to wallow. Being an adult is tough. Being responsible is hard. Caring is hard. It was so much easier when I didn't care. Maybe I always did but covered it up with sloppy behavior.
And that my friend's is a story for another day...

At some point

At some point you have to let go and move on. It's hard not to let your past define you, yet as its been pointed out to me a lot lately. I hold on tightly to my past. It has very much defined me.
I'm a little broken and it breaks my heart a little. I used to be fearless, I had a very much I don't fucking care. I don't now. I analyze everything. I worry about everything.
Granted being a Mom brings an element to that mind think as well but the way my ex husband made me feel, did me no favors.
Even though frankly as a person in my 40's I bring it, I struggle with believing that. It makes me sad, I know it upsets people around me.
How at 41 can I have the emotional mindset of a teenager.
Ugh

Shaking Fist in Air

Things I know about myself.  I'm incredibly emotional. I wear my heart in my sleeve, I'm brutally honest & have no filter. I grumble, I grouse but if I love you I love you with my whole heart.
Yet here I am again standing alone. I used to think I asked for too much. Now I think I ask for not enough.
Somewhere along the way I thought I wasn't good enough. So I settled. I put people on pedestals who don't deserve it. I know I have flaws but at my core I deserve as much as the next person. I'm worn out from settling.
So not going to. I have for almost two decades I would like to go into my twighlight years holding hands with someone who loves me for me.
Oh well at least I got G & Skippy.

How to Say This

I have been toying with how to talk about sex at 40. How much do I want to be honest about? How do I say things with saying too much? I have no idea.
So I guess I will start here.
Up until recently the only sex I was having was with myself. Now while there are many benefits to that, as we all know sex is always more fun with another person.  Ideally my life plan was to still be married, have two kids and have a wonderful romantic life with my husband.
My reality is I have been a single parent for almost 3 years and sex stopped with my husband long before our marriage ended.
Sex in your middle age is tricky. Not bad but tricky. While on one hand you are comfy with your inner self I feel like I have more worries than I did when I was in my in my 20's.
For starters- I have wrinkles, my body is now a mother's body and to be blunt now that I am a Mom - the inhibitions I didn't have in my 20's I definitely have. Now this could be because of my experience with my ex husband but a few have nothing to do with him.
Like - can my neighbors hear us? Can people see in my house? I'm not as flexible, I get tired quickly... Sad,true and funny.  Luckily my person is a few years older and we find ourselves laughing at things our twenty year old selves would have been mortified by.
On the flip side I have always appreciated the slow burn and I am happy to say my person does now too. Although it sometimes can make a girl feel like she partied too hard the next day when in reality I did not.
Intimacy is much more important to me now and again thankfully to my person as well. I feel like sex in my 40's is this beautiful week long vacation to one of my favorite places. In my 20's it was a road trip to the place where we could have the most fun for our dollar. My 30's were with my ex so while it produced my beautiful child it also created a lot of anxieties in me that my free spirited 20's again would have been mortified by.
So I guess where I'm going with all of this is - yup it's different but if you are crazy about the person you're with it's different in the most beautiful, fantastic way possible.

So Where Were We?

I have been trying to figure out how to tackle this post. I made it pretty clear in my last post this is where this one was heading...
The big S at 40. You know Sex.
Depending on who you talk to sex in your 40's needs to be heavily assisted, is fantastic, is horrible, is... You know what, like anything everyone is different.
I also think it depends on your frame of reference as well. My frame of reference is that I didn't have sex until I was 21. With a man who I thought I was going to marry. For a first time it wasn't horrible, I know now it wasn't great but it wasn't bad. I don't regret it & I don't wish it were different. I just look as - it was.  My partners since then have run the gamut. Adventurous, traditional,shy, gentle, horrible, mind blowing.
My 30's I was married to my husband whose lack of experience, adventure, and sadly endurance made sex something I just kinda of put on the back burner. Which is sad. Sex to me with the right person can be almost magical. Cheese I know...but the fact I didn't have that with my husband. Almost heart breaking. Needless to say we stopped having sex when my daughter was one.
So when we separated and my "Matt Dillon" came back into my life and wanted to see me I freaked out.
Because sex with him in my 20's was MIND BLOWING.
So almost 20 years later?!
Can't imagine...

Let's Be Honest

So this blog was supposed to be out my experiences in my 40's. Things people don't talk about, maybe they do. But don't you sometimes feel like it can't all be true?
Especially when you consider some of the frame of references we have out there. Women in particular. I'm sorry but Jenny McCarthy should by no means be the poster child to young women as to what your 40's should be and or look like. Don't get me wrong she is rocking it out and good on her but the reality for some of us is not quite that pretty.
For starters my body looks like a body that has gained and lost weight numerous times and grew a human being in it.  I can't afford to get waxing, mani/pedi's, and my hair done regularly. I don't have a stylist.
This is  my reality, mind you don't think I'm having a pity party, because I too rock what I got. I' m just saying if you are looking for a Playboy playmate. Well, take your readers off.
My reality:
I do my nails when my daughter is asleep. Insta dri is my friend. I do splurge on coloring my hair but keep it short so I don't have to spend a lot.  My idea of waxing is a visit to my friendly neighborhood Cost Cutters for a $15 eyebrow wax.
I buy the bulk of my clothes at Target or Old Navy. I'm able to look somewhat put together because I pay attention. I see a style I like or look good in - I copy it just at my price range. I've become comfy with myself and I think it shows. Most of the time.
Where it's scary and this the Jenny McCarthy reference is sex and all that goes with it.
But that's a post for another day.

What's Old is New Again

I think it's fair to say everyone has that person or persons you have those what if thoughts about.
I know I do.  There was a long time there where I couldn't hear certain songs or smell certain smells because the nostalgia would hit me so hard it was almost overpowering. I still struggle with some of that.  Sometimes I feel like I wasted really great music on not so great people. I' m slowly learning to not beat myself up so much about that.  I might have just had one too many 'Say Anything' moments.
Luckily I'm smart enough to recognize singing Madonna's 'Crazy For You' is not sexy- its sad.
But I digress...

I have two people from my past I definitely have put on a pedestal & still wonder. Modern technology is a dangerous thing. It can enlighten to you the fact it really was you, not them. It's gut wrenching to see pictures of the guy who told you he never wanted kids or a wife with pictures of both. Or the person you dismissed because you were too shy to feel good enough now successfully writing movies.
But my other person was older and talented and had long hair and wore flannel which I still have a soft spot for - he was the Matt Dillon character from Singles. Except nice, talented and blond.
We had palpable chemistry. Just hearing his voice. Amazing.
But when we're  together I was just out of college, I didn't know who I was our what I wanted. So I broke up with him. We stayed in touch but never in million years did I think we'd be in each others lives again.
Flash forward and we are. It's been a journey made with emails, texts, phone calls, across several states, and most importantly music.
The first song he sent me was The Script -The Man Who Can't Be Moved.
:)

Deep breathing

Ever notice just when you are about to throw in the towel life gives you a reason to keep your head up?
Crazy week. My ex husband continues to provide reinforcements for why we are not together. The workplace drama is in full force. Really I have to deal with cliques at my age? And not one but two men have decided they want me in their lives. I'm not including my ex husband in on this as I still feel strongly the four page letter he wrote me was out of anger that I am dating & he is not.
Regardless in frustration I slightly opened a door and now it's become a garage. Yes people still drunk text at 41. Sadly. What's crazier is that the person said sure - and immediately called me out ;)!
Then the person who I'd given up on reaches out & says all the things I've been waiting to hear.

I'm not complaining but I was never a good dater so what to do?
Then work. I'm so past power plays & intentional 'unvites'. I've decided after spending time with two groups of elementary school kids- to be honest, kind, happy & silly.

Life is too short to hold your breath & worry. Need to breath, be silly & have some fun.

A Quick Reminder

Last night my husband reminded me as to why he earned the ex. When will I not be afraid of him? When will he still manipulate  situations to benefit him? Any takers?
It wears me out to the point I don't have much more to say right now.

And There It Is...

So originally when I started blogging again this was supposed to be musings about entering my forties. More specifically all the things no one tells you about being forty.  Which really is a lot but the more I got writing, the more introspective I got about how I got here.
Here being 41 & a single Mom trying to figure everything out. And I do mean everything.
I feel like the single Mom think I have figured out. Sort of. Schedules are important. Plan ahead, get things ready the night before. But also be flexible. Have dinner together & know when to give yourself a time out.
I am still trying to figure out this co- parenting business and that's a blog post for another day. The true topic at hand is dating or not dating.
As a Mom in my 40's sadly I do come with a few suitcases. But should I be discounted?
I don't want to be over eager but I also am pretty aware of what I want. I also want what's best for my daughter. So where is the balance? And I certainly feel I shouldn't have to settle.
Been there done that - thousands of dollars in legal fees later I feel I'm entitled to want an upgrade. Be a little shallow.
The kicker is what I want, what is out there, how it all works... Doesn't always mesh.
And there it is - gotta figure out the balance. Upgrade, shallow, baggage, a solid relationship. Do those things even go together?

Torn

Ever feel like you're being pulled in two places? I feel like that a lot lately.  Part of it is because I'm pretty successful at kidding myself about what I want.  I hide behind this shield of wanting to be alone but the reality is I want that thing. I do want the rainbows & butterflies.
I want someone who gets excited to see me and wants to hold my hand.
Why do I feel so shameful about wanting that? Why do I feel so selfish about wanting that?
For starters I am a Mom. Every decision I make impacts Gabby. She is why I left her Dad in the first place. Then I have a person in my life. Who drastically changed his to be in mine. At least it seems that way. He moved from a different state to be w/me. But he moved 3 hours away. How is that with me?  There's more but even here I feel bad even typing it. Which is silly. I never asked for the things I have in my life & I'm trying to be happy with what I have. But the last time I settled and got comfortable with someone it crashed and burned.
But if by walking away I'm alone. What if he is the person?
At the end of the day I really do want what I can't have and I think that is why I'm so sad. Pretty sure I'm not going to have it...

How much?

I am beginning to think I am the reason my relationships fail. How much of me I'm still trying to work through.
My longest relationship was my marriage. It started when I was 29 & we divorced when I was 40. Prior to that it was a year, months, weeks, days but never years.  I spent almost a decade with the same person & now when we're in the same room it's hard for me not to want to punch him in the face.
But I think it's because I settled. He was safe, he was all the things I thought I should date but at the end of the day he was all the things I don't want. My ex husband was not a bad boy, an artist or a free spirit.  He was a computer geek who prided himself on having a dark side.  The reality was he was just a computer geek who thought he was bad ass when he squinted a certain way. But from where I came from he seemed so safe.
Not a musiscian
Not a jock
Not too young
Not too old
Never married
No kids
He knew some of my friends but the reality is because he was so different than any of my other boy friends that made him worse.
Hated going out w/my friends
Didn't read
Music tastes sorely lacking
Horrible relationship with his parents
Wore horrible t shirts
Was a slob
But he seemed safe. The reality is sadly there is a reason everyone has a type because it is what you're attracted to. I think if my ex would have at least tried to meet me in the middle we may have survived. But rather than grow together he began trying to figure out all the things he could change about me. To my face his friends made fun of me because of my pop culture knowledge. His family thought I was dating him for money. The reality is when I met him he was umemployed, a college drop out. Now he has a degree, job, & owns a home. I held his hand through that.  So why did I stay so long... I'm not sure, there's the mystery. And in all of this did I maybe just want to much?

What are the rules here?

So seriously what are the rules here? I feel like a complete fish out of water right now. I was in a relationship for the last 11 years and didn't start dating until my 20's. Now that I'm single again how does this work?
And I don't mean the way I see some... I feel like sad,y some of my peer group that become suddenly single in their late 30's /early 40's are on some sort of hunt. Hurr, hurry, fast, fast, fast upgrade the ex, experiment with sex. Start again...
I'm still trying to fix me. I feel like until I'm good with me, I'm no good to anyone else.  And I keep going back to I couldn't make him happy how could I possibly make a hot version of him happy.  Especially when the hot version of him rather be with someone at least a decade younger. And I have a little person, who will always come first. Which at my core is why I think my marriage failed. My ex husband became number two.
And I'm honest, brutally so and shy. I really feel most comfortable talking to people (men) with a liquid courage but to be honest at 41 - sad. And as a Mom - tragic.
So here I am trying not to over think, not be a clique, just be.
But like everyone else wanting it all to make a little sense... But can it?
We are talking about relationships here...

So I guess here I am waiting...

Really?!

Certain things you hope as you enter adulthood you hope you outgrow.  The unfortunate reality is that sometimes as you age,
 those things from your youth you hope to escape continue to stay attached to you...
For me it's shyness. Some people who know me would be flabbergasted by this but the truth is - its all a mask. Before I became a Mom I drank to work through awkward situations. Now I over compensate. Like lots of makeup. Matching... Talking way too much or not enough.
At my worst point I would turn as red as a tomato and go silent. Now I over explain or avoid the situation entirely. Worse I start to look for the negative, so that way when the worst does happen it doesn't hurt that bad.
So tonight I went way out of my comfort zone & went "out" with someone. For the most part I held it down. Then he told me I was beautiful more than once. So badly I wanted a shot of anything. Compliments are hard for me & to be told I'm beautiful. I don't see it. Especially when it's from someone who I deem is playing for the majors & I feel I'm in the farm league.
At what point do you hear and believe what others are saying about you? At what point do you believe you're more than what you think and stop blushing?

When Did That Happen?

At what point in your life do you start to loose yourself? And is it always bad? I think it depends on what you loose.
For example no longer drinking until you think your mascara stained heavy panting reflection in the mirror looks hot. FYI it doesn't. Wearing high heels and no coat in the winter. Breaking & dislocating my ankle helped with that. And becoming a Mom. Hard to tell a five year old to wear a coat when you aren't.
Sometimes you gain bad habits too. Like getting defensive before you need to.  Not listening to music, not reading, wearing too much makeup, matching everything, worrying about everything.
So I've been trying really hard to regain myself back. I know it seems silly but this should be the time in my life where I really embrace myself.  Instead of been running afraid of what people might think that I'm not presenting the best image. But the reality is all I was doing was showing how afraid I was.
When you find you can't make someone who means the world to you happy it starts. I'm not trying to blame anyone or bash. But that was my turning point for sure. I wanted to make my ex husband happy. So I stopped going out, changed how I looked and starting doing things he liked. But wasn't the first me the one he fell in love with? That's where things get tricky - I thought so.
Things I' m realizing you can't please everyone & trying to will wreck you. It's ok to be honest and shy & not really like the color green.
I don't need to wear a ton of makeup or dress a certain way. Life is not a competition. It's a journey.
Embrace live it, love on each other, jam out to Metro Station w/your kid & know that's all ok.

Does this eyeliner make my butt look big?

Not too long ago makeup for me meant mascara & lipgloss. As I entered my 30's I discovered Sephora & brand name cosmetics - there was no looking back. Did I really need a white eyeliner? No but according to all the magazines, talk shows, and budding websites I did. And I did. Varying shades, formulas I have a problem and not just with eyeliner. Everything. Mascara, eye shadow,blush, lip gloss. The only thing I can't be talked into is foundation. Years of battling eczema make me nervous to slather my face in much more than some blush.
But my eyes - its not uncommon for me to wear multiple eyeliners. Eyeliner - people. I own both Naked Palettes. BOTH.
Do you hear my cry for help.  But then as I laminated my addiction to my 50 something boss, whose eye makeup I coveted FYI... She calmly tells me she wears three mascaras. Three...
Hear our cry or ban me from the local Sephora and Ulta stores. I'll be the 40 something chick rocking the obvious white eye liner.

Dip the toe, be brave

Here it goes something I tried 8 years ago when I thought I could rule the world.
Now I'm excited if I leave the house with mascara on.
This second, third attempt came about as a good friend and I sat around talking about all the things people, more to the point women don't tell you about aging - about being in your 40's.
On one hand many of us are liberated by I don't care attitude we've all seemed to magically acquire. Or pretend too. On the other hand as your emotional self is improving your physical self is messed up.
So I'm going to muse, rant, discuss & chat about what the 40's really mean. At least for me. Maybe while doing so - somebody out there will find solace or a laugh in what I have to say.
If nothing else it will give my little person something to look back on & say- that's why Mommy was that way!