Torn

Ever feel like you're being pulled in two places? I feel like that a lot lately.  Part of it is because I'm pretty successful at kidding myself about what I want.  I hide behind this shield of wanting to be alone but the reality is I want that thing. I do want the rainbows & butterflies.
I want someone who gets excited to see me and wants to hold my hand.
Why do I feel so shameful about wanting that? Why do I feel so selfish about wanting that?
For starters I am a Mom. Every decision I make impacts Gabby. She is why I left her Dad in the first place. Then I have a person in my life. Who drastically changed his to be in mine. At least it seems that way. He moved from a different state to be w/me. But he moved 3 hours away. How is that with me?  There's more but even here I feel bad even typing it. Which is silly. I never asked for the things I have in my life & I'm trying to be happy with what I have. But the last time I settled and got comfortable with someone it crashed and burned.
But if by walking away I'm alone. What if he is the person?
At the end of the day I really do want what I can't have and I think that is why I'm so sad. Pretty sure I'm not going to have it...