So Where Were We?

I have been trying to figure out how to tackle this post. I made it pretty clear in my last post this is where this one was heading...
The big S at 40. You know Sex.
Depending on who you talk to sex in your 40's needs to be heavily assisted, is fantastic, is horrible, is... You know what, like anything everyone is different.
I also think it depends on your frame of reference as well. My frame of reference is that I didn't have sex until I was 21. With a man who I thought I was going to marry. For a first time it wasn't horrible, I know now it wasn't great but it wasn't bad. I don't regret it & I don't wish it were different. I just look as - it was.  My partners since then have run the gamut. Adventurous, traditional,shy, gentle, horrible, mind blowing.
My 30's I was married to my husband whose lack of experience, adventure, and sadly endurance made sex something I just kinda of put on the back burner. Which is sad. Sex to me with the right person can be almost magical. Cheese I know...but the fact I didn't have that with my husband. Almost heart breaking. Needless to say we stopped having sex when my daughter was one.
So when we separated and my "Matt Dillon" came back into my life and wanted to see me I freaked out.
Because sex with him in my 20's was MIND BLOWING.
So almost 20 years later?!
Can't imagine...

Let's Be Honest

So this blog was supposed to be out my experiences in my 40's. Things people don't talk about, maybe they do. But don't you sometimes feel like it can't all be true?
Especially when you consider some of the frame of references we have out there. Women in particular. I'm sorry but Jenny McCarthy should by no means be the poster child to young women as to what your 40's should be and or look like. Don't get me wrong she is rocking it out and good on her but the reality for some of us is not quite that pretty.
For starters my body looks like a body that has gained and lost weight numerous times and grew a human being in it.  I can't afford to get waxing, mani/pedi's, and my hair done regularly. I don't have a stylist.
This is  my reality, mind you don't think I'm having a pity party, because I too rock what I got. I' m just saying if you are looking for a Playboy playmate. Well, take your readers off.
My reality:
I do my nails when my daughter is asleep. Insta dri is my friend. I do splurge on coloring my hair but keep it short so I don't have to spend a lot.  My idea of waxing is a visit to my friendly neighborhood Cost Cutters for a $15 eyebrow wax.
I buy the bulk of my clothes at Target or Old Navy. I'm able to look somewhat put together because I pay attention. I see a style I like or look good in - I copy it just at my price range. I've become comfy with myself and I think it shows. Most of the time.
Where it's scary and this the Jenny McCarthy reference is sex and all that goes with it.
But that's a post for another day.

What's Old is New Again

I think it's fair to say everyone has that person or persons you have those what if thoughts about.
I know I do.  There was a long time there where I couldn't hear certain songs or smell certain smells because the nostalgia would hit me so hard it was almost overpowering. I still struggle with some of that.  Sometimes I feel like I wasted really great music on not so great people. I' m slowly learning to not beat myself up so much about that.  I might have just had one too many 'Say Anything' moments.
Luckily I'm smart enough to recognize singing Madonna's 'Crazy For You' is not sexy- its sad.
But I digress...

I have two people from my past I definitely have put on a pedestal & still wonder. Modern technology is a dangerous thing. It can enlighten to you the fact it really was you, not them. It's gut wrenching to see pictures of the guy who told you he never wanted kids or a wife with pictures of both. Or the person you dismissed because you were too shy to feel good enough now successfully writing movies.
But my other person was older and talented and had long hair and wore flannel which I still have a soft spot for - he was the Matt Dillon character from Singles. Except nice, talented and blond.
We had palpable chemistry. Just hearing his voice. Amazing.
But when we're  together I was just out of college, I didn't know who I was our what I wanted. So I broke up with him. We stayed in touch but never in million years did I think we'd be in each others lives again.
Flash forward and we are. It's been a journey made with emails, texts, phone calls, across several states, and most importantly music.
The first song he sent me was The Script -The Man Who Can't Be Moved.
:)

Deep breathing

Ever notice just when you are about to throw in the towel life gives you a reason to keep your head up?
Crazy week. My ex husband continues to provide reinforcements for why we are not together. The workplace drama is in full force. Really I have to deal with cliques at my age? And not one but two men have decided they want me in their lives. I'm not including my ex husband in on this as I still feel strongly the four page letter he wrote me was out of anger that I am dating & he is not.
Regardless in frustration I slightly opened a door and now it's become a garage. Yes people still drunk text at 41. Sadly. What's crazier is that the person said sure - and immediately called me out ;)!
Then the person who I'd given up on reaches out & says all the things I've been waiting to hear.

I'm not complaining but I was never a good dater so what to do?
Then work. I'm so past power plays & intentional 'unvites'. I've decided after spending time with two groups of elementary school kids- to be honest, kind, happy & silly.

Life is too short to hold your breath & worry. Need to breath, be silly & have some fun.

A Quick Reminder

Last night my husband reminded me as to why he earned the ex. When will I not be afraid of him? When will he still manipulate  situations to benefit him? Any takers?
It wears me out to the point I don't have much more to say right now.

And There It Is...

So originally when I started blogging again this was supposed to be musings about entering my forties. More specifically all the things no one tells you about being forty.  Which really is a lot but the more I got writing, the more introspective I got about how I got here.
Here being 41 & a single Mom trying to figure everything out. And I do mean everything.
I feel like the single Mom think I have figured out. Sort of. Schedules are important. Plan ahead, get things ready the night before. But also be flexible. Have dinner together & know when to give yourself a time out.
I am still trying to figure out this co- parenting business and that's a blog post for another day. The true topic at hand is dating or not dating.
As a Mom in my 40's sadly I do come with a few suitcases. But should I be discounted?
I don't want to be over eager but I also am pretty aware of what I want. I also want what's best for my daughter. So where is the balance? And I certainly feel I shouldn't have to settle.
Been there done that - thousands of dollars in legal fees later I feel I'm entitled to want an upgrade. Be a little shallow.
The kicker is what I want, what is out there, how it all works... Doesn't always mesh.
And there it is - gotta figure out the balance. Upgrade, shallow, baggage, a solid relationship. Do those things even go together?

Torn

Ever feel like you're being pulled in two places? I feel like that a lot lately.  Part of it is because I'm pretty successful at kidding myself about what I want.  I hide behind this shield of wanting to be alone but the reality is I want that thing. I do want the rainbows & butterflies.
I want someone who gets excited to see me and wants to hold my hand.
Why do I feel so shameful about wanting that? Why do I feel so selfish about wanting that?
For starters I am a Mom. Every decision I make impacts Gabby. She is why I left her Dad in the first place. Then I have a person in my life. Who drastically changed his to be in mine. At least it seems that way. He moved from a different state to be w/me. But he moved 3 hours away. How is that with me?  There's more but even here I feel bad even typing it. Which is silly. I never asked for the things I have in my life & I'm trying to be happy with what I have. But the last time I settled and got comfortable with someone it crashed and burned.
But if by walking away I'm alone. What if he is the person?
At the end of the day I really do want what I can't have and I think that is why I'm so sad. Pretty sure I'm not going to have it...

How much?

I am beginning to think I am the reason my relationships fail. How much of me I'm still trying to work through.
My longest relationship was my marriage. It started when I was 29 & we divorced when I was 40. Prior to that it was a year, months, weeks, days but never years.  I spent almost a decade with the same person & now when we're in the same room it's hard for me not to want to punch him in the face.
But I think it's because I settled. He was safe, he was all the things I thought I should date but at the end of the day he was all the things I don't want. My ex husband was not a bad boy, an artist or a free spirit.  He was a computer geek who prided himself on having a dark side.  The reality was he was just a computer geek who thought he was bad ass when he squinted a certain way. But from where I came from he seemed so safe.
Not a musiscian
Not a jock
Not too young
Not too old
Never married
No kids
He knew some of my friends but the reality is because he was so different than any of my other boy friends that made him worse.
Hated going out w/my friends
Didn't read
Music tastes sorely lacking
Horrible relationship with his parents
Wore horrible t shirts
Was a slob
But he seemed safe. The reality is sadly there is a reason everyone has a type because it is what you're attracted to. I think if my ex would have at least tried to meet me in the middle we may have survived. But rather than grow together he began trying to figure out all the things he could change about me. To my face his friends made fun of me because of my pop culture knowledge. His family thought I was dating him for money. The reality is when I met him he was umemployed, a college drop out. Now he has a degree, job, & owns a home. I held his hand through that.  So why did I stay so long... I'm not sure, there's the mystery. And in all of this did I maybe just want to much?

What are the rules here?

So seriously what are the rules here? I feel like a complete fish out of water right now. I was in a relationship for the last 11 years and didn't start dating until my 20's. Now that I'm single again how does this work?
And I don't mean the way I see some... I feel like sad,y some of my peer group that become suddenly single in their late 30's /early 40's are on some sort of hunt. Hurr, hurry, fast, fast, fast upgrade the ex, experiment with sex. Start again...
I'm still trying to fix me. I feel like until I'm good with me, I'm no good to anyone else.  And I keep going back to I couldn't make him happy how could I possibly make a hot version of him happy.  Especially when the hot version of him rather be with someone at least a decade younger. And I have a little person, who will always come first. Which at my core is why I think my marriage failed. My ex husband became number two.
And I'm honest, brutally so and shy. I really feel most comfortable talking to people (men) with a liquid courage but to be honest at 41 - sad. And as a Mom - tragic.
So here I am trying not to over think, not be a clique, just be.
But like everyone else wanting it all to make a little sense... But can it?
We are talking about relationships here...

So I guess here I am waiting...

Really?!

Certain things you hope as you enter adulthood you hope you outgrow.  The unfortunate reality is that sometimes as you age,
 those things from your youth you hope to escape continue to stay attached to you...
For me it's shyness. Some people who know me would be flabbergasted by this but the truth is - its all a mask. Before I became a Mom I drank to work through awkward situations. Now I over compensate. Like lots of makeup. Matching... Talking way too much or not enough.
At my worst point I would turn as red as a tomato and go silent. Now I over explain or avoid the situation entirely. Worse I start to look for the negative, so that way when the worst does happen it doesn't hurt that bad.
So tonight I went way out of my comfort zone & went "out" with someone. For the most part I held it down. Then he told me I was beautiful more than once. So badly I wanted a shot of anything. Compliments are hard for me & to be told I'm beautiful. I don't see it. Especially when it's from someone who I deem is playing for the majors & I feel I'm in the farm league.
At what point do you hear and believe what others are saying about you? At what point do you believe you're more than what you think and stop blushing?

When Did That Happen?

At what point in your life do you start to loose yourself? And is it always bad? I think it depends on what you loose.
For example no longer drinking until you think your mascara stained heavy panting reflection in the mirror looks hot. FYI it doesn't. Wearing high heels and no coat in the winter. Breaking & dislocating my ankle helped with that. And becoming a Mom. Hard to tell a five year old to wear a coat when you aren't.
Sometimes you gain bad habits too. Like getting defensive before you need to.  Not listening to music, not reading, wearing too much makeup, matching everything, worrying about everything.
So I've been trying really hard to regain myself back. I know it seems silly but this should be the time in my life where I really embrace myself.  Instead of been running afraid of what people might think that I'm not presenting the best image. But the reality is all I was doing was showing how afraid I was.
When you find you can't make someone who means the world to you happy it starts. I'm not trying to blame anyone or bash. But that was my turning point for sure. I wanted to make my ex husband happy. So I stopped going out, changed how I looked and starting doing things he liked. But wasn't the first me the one he fell in love with? That's where things get tricky - I thought so.
Things I' m realizing you can't please everyone & trying to will wreck you. It's ok to be honest and shy & not really like the color green.
I don't need to wear a ton of makeup or dress a certain way. Life is not a competition. It's a journey.
Embrace live it, love on each other, jam out to Metro Station w/your kid & know that's all ok.